Ten sexual positions you shouldn’t try at home..or anywhere

All that Valentine’s day passion still not worn off yet? Well, before you do yourself or your beloved a mischief, Koldkast.tv have kindly compiled this list of extreme sex positions that you should probably steer clear of. Remember, just because it can be done, doesn’t mean that it should be…

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you need a diagram to help you figure out what to put where, should you even be attempting it?

1. The London Bridge

Now if you know your nursery rhymes, you already know that this one is probably going to end badly.

If “London bridge falls down” here, then London bridge is going to be in some serious back pain for the next few weeks. Never mind the damage he might do to himself just getting into the position in the first place.

Frankly, the only use for this position that I can see is if you really don’t want to look each other in the face…

 

2. The Wheelbarrow.

Why is this position still knocking about? Surely there are easier, less awkward and more flattering ways for a woman to demonstrate her upper body strength.

Even with the basic grasp i had of sex and the anatomy as a youngster, I was smart enough to figure out that if the woman’s or man’s arms gave way at any point during the proceedings things weren’t going to work out too well for any man foolish enough to attempt this.

 

 

3. Suspended congress.

Guys, are you the type who likes to befriend a lady who is a little…larger…than average on a night out. Ladies, have you dreamt about spending a night of passion and poetry with the charming but physically less than impressive guy at the library.

If you answered yes to the above, this position isn’t for you. The continued success of this position relies entirely on the ability of the man to hold the woman’s entire body weight suspended. One slip, and you’re likely to hear a sharp snapping sound and the sound of a man crying.

 

4. The Backdoor Cartwheel

I don’t even know where to start with this one. What could be so horribly broken about your relationship that either/both of you feel the need to over-compensate in this way.

Take a long hard look at your relationship. Have a frank discussion about your feelings, and leave this madness behind. Frankly, the “backdoor” reference in the name of this position only serves to make me more concerned about your safety.

 

5. The Incline Leg

At first glance, this one doesn’t look so bad. There are however two thing to bear in mind. First, this doesn’t look so bad in comparison to the previous four, but compared to the missionary position it’s pretty elaborate. As Johnny Depp says, attempted murder isn’t so bad when you downgrade it from murder, but when you upgrade it from room service it’s pretty serious.

Secondly, notice how all of the woman’s weight is balanced on her tip-toes. Now just imagine what happens if she falls backwards.

 

6. The Pogo Stick

Ok, so we’ve already discussed the dangers of a position that requires a man to hold and move a woman’s entire body weight aloft while they both get hot and sweaty. Let’s presume that you can handle that.

The only way that I can interpret these arrows is that the guy crouches down whilst simultaneously lifting the girl up before standing back up and pulling her down. There are just too many moving parts here for this to end in anything but an ”embarrassing hospital visit” anecdote…

 

7. The Pressed Position

Another one that looks pretty innocent, but again, there are hidden factors to consider here.

Mainly, the fact that during orgasm, people’s limbs tend to flex involuntarily. Now, unless your idea of a good time involves explaining to a doctor how your man’s hips got dislocated, or how your girlfriend fired herself across the room, you’ll see why this might be anther one to steer clear of…

 

 

 

8. The Back Breaker

Should it really be necessary for me to explain why you shouldn’t be attempting a sexual position known as the “back breaker”?

Believe it or not, this position actually gets crazier when you know what’s involved. Starting standing on your bed, both of you assume this position before falling backwards in unison. If for some inexplicable reason you want another go, you get up and repeat as needed.

Cripes.

 

9. The Anvil.

The name of this one should provide all the imagery you need for what’s going to be happening here, for once, this position presents more of a danger to the woman than the man.

Ladies, if your man is the excitable type, you might want to invest in some very high quality cushions for your back. And some yoga classes.

If he’s on the heavy side, you’ll probably be wanting the telephone number of a good masseuse as well…

 

10. The Headspinner

Alright, I’m going to go ahead and endorse this one. Go for it. Go wild.

Quite frankly if you and anyone you know are stupid enough to attempt this, regardless of how co-ordinated, strong, flexible or agile you are, you deserve everything you get.

Just don’t forget to set up a camera. Oh, and set up the feed to automatically send to steve@bodygeeks.com. Y’know, just in case you’re unable to move for some reason…

Source : Koldkast.tv

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  • J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

    I absolutely died laughing with these. I am a Christian sex blogger who covered sexual positions in a recent post. I have also concluded – as you have – that certain positions are better drawn than attempted. My hubby has mentioned that his anatomy doesn’t even bend in the way that some pictures suggest. And as you age, the idea wrapping your left leg around your partner’s neck and inserting it in his ear for the sake for sexual arousal just makes you want to call the chiropractor instead.

  • Princesshearty

    Too funny! Love your wit and dry observations

  • SinfulMafia.com

    they  all suck.. get new ones